end in sight

I'm starting to catch a cold.. it's been so long since I've been sick that I'd forgotten how truly miserable it is to be all stuffed up and having your nose run... I've got used tissues crumpled up all around my bed and I'm definitely cranky. I told my man over the phone that I wanted to use him as an electric blanket... and that I wanted to make him sick so we could be sick TOGETHER.. you know, because couples share everything ;)

We had sort of a break-through yesterday... I finally got the tangible proof I needed from him for me to almost completely let down my walls. Proof of what, you ask? Proof that he needs me, that he truly loves me, that he has made/is making the necessary adjustments in his life to support our relationship, that he cares about my feelings and about putting me first sometimes.

I won't go into details of how he went about assuring me of all these things, but it was a very mixed day; sometimes you learn the most about your relationship when you are working out the kinks.

SO, as most of you know, I have not had actual sexual intercourse for nearly 3 (!!!) months now. My body has been aching, BEGGING for it for that long, but because of the nature of our relationship, and the circumstances of my family situation, etc. I decided to hold off on the sex for a while.

(edit) I just started re-reading my old posts, searching for one explaining why exactly I'm not currently having sex... and realized I never really did write about it. There are several reasons why we have abstained;
1) I cannot physically take a birth control pill every day because I live at home and it will be discovered. It really will. And if it does, I will get kicked out. see family situation. Plus, my parents can't know that I've seen a gynecologist, and I can't use my insurance (I'm under their name) to pay for the visit or the pill anyway.
2) when we got back together after our break-up, we WERE having sex, but I wasn't quite comfortable with him, was really tight after all the non-use during our time apart, and sex wasn't very good. Plus, we were (and always have before) using condoms.. and it's just not that easy when you're not slathering on the lube or extremely excited.
3) we had a lot of work to do on our relationship... I didn't want sex to be used as a sort of 'patch' for the problems we needed to work out, like it had been when we were together before. Sex complicates things, and I certainly didn't want to have my common sense and clear thinking muddled with the closeness that comes from this intimacy. I felt like before we'd use sex as a way to feel connected when we weren't connecting outside of the bed, and I didn't want to make the same mistake again.
4) going along with 1 and in some part 2, I wanted the next time we had sex to be without a condom; ie, me being on some kind of birth control (even though this is contradicting problem 1 lol ) I'll explain in a bit.

Lucky for me, my very patient, very lovely boyfriend has gone along with me on this, and agreed that even though it is, and has been very painful and frustrating, that the decision to abstain is a sound one. And therefore the decision to END this sex-less time will be mine.

The moral of this story is that as of yesterday, there is an end in sight to this self-prescribed celibacy. I feel like our relationship is at the right point finally where sex will be a positive addition, not a crutch.

So I've set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood in about a month, and I will be paying for the visit and the birth control myself. I've decided the best option as far as the type of birth control would be the Nuvaring, a flexible ring that you only change once a month. No pills, no alarms, no worries.

And now I'm mentally preparing for the glorious world of no-condom sex to open up to me, a world I have as yet not entered, and the freedom of being able to fuck wherever and whenever I please with little-to-no clean-up... besides the sweat of exertion. :)