On the bright side:
I had my last final today :)
On the darker side:
Found out my car is not driveable for the condition of the brakes. So all of my hopes, dreams, and plans for the time directy after I finished school is on hold. I am now at the complete mercy of the people in my household and friends with cars. Oh, and I'm going to be totally broke paying for the repairs.
Let's see: no car means no fun, and no reliable independent means of transportation. Paying for the brakes means no money, no money means no moving out, no moving out means life stagnation.
Also on the dark(er) side, I finally got into it with the parents: I was pushed to explain WHY I needed to have my car repaired in a timely manner, and instead of giving them the multiple, less controversial reasons I yelled that I hated living at home, and I hated living with them.
Needless to say they absolutely freaked out, and I'm an ungrateful, stupid child who will fail miserably in the real world.
Trying to keep a positive outlook, but it's getting pretty difficult here.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Hormone Crazy
after an intense sex session
me: "Boo, you think I should go back on birth control?"
my man: "Uhh, I don't know. It's up to you."
me: "I mean, I was really crazy on that stuff. Like, psychotic. Maybe if I don't skip my period it will be better?"
my man: "Maybe. You weren't that crazy."
me: "Really? Because I thought... and my friend even said I wasn't normal... I wasn't that crazy?"
my man: "Uhh, no you were pretty crazy, I was just saying that to make you feel better."
LOL that was our conversation tonight.
So let me just do a little background, and a rant.
I can't be on normal, daily pill birth control, because I'm not supposed to be sexually active and how stupid would it be for me to have such damnable evidence chilling in my purse? My mom once told me she's not the kind of mother who'd find my diary and NOT read it to 'protect my privacy'. She'd read that shit for sure.
Hiding the daily pill is not an option either. I got deathly sick a month ago and my mother took it upon herself to overturn my room from top to bottom (as in moving shit around, etc), and even rifled through my 'special' drawer right in front of me. She found the batteries I keep for my vibrator and held them up, asking what they were. I said they were for my watch (my vibrator was miraculously in my purse for some reason... don't ask). But the point is, nothing is sacred and there is no way I can keep anything like that on my persons. Oh, and I need to move out.
But i digress.
Anyway, I chose to purchase the Nuvaring birth control, a flexible plastic ring that is inserted in the dark recesses of my body and is left there for the month, slowly emitting hormones... perfect for me because it was an unwrap, insert, forget type thing.
All was fine until a couple weeks into it, when I started to cry for no reason, hysterically. Like clockwork, every night I'd call my best friend and just cry, and through my tears I'd just wail, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M CRYING!!" and I wouldn't be able to stop. The day I took it out finally was when I had gone out to dinner with my boyfriend, sat there tight-lipped and angry FOR NO REASON the entire dinner, and when dessert came I started bawling. In public. For. No. Reason. My boyfriend handled it really well, and after he managed to get me to stop (it took a long time, because I seriously could not control my tears), he looked me in the eye and said "Take it out. Now." I went to the bathroom, pulled that thing out and that was the end of it.
I had morphed into a crazy woman that I didn't like and didn't understand.
I was on the birth control for nearly two months, non-stop (I just took one out at the end of the month and stuck in the other, effectively eliminating my period... who wouldn't want that?) so I did have a chance to play around condom-free and get a feel for it. You know, when I wasn't crying or screaming in anger.
And my opinion about sex sans-condom is... ehh. It was ok. I still used lube (he's big..), it still felt essentially the same to me... I don't know why. It was a let down because to this point everyone was telling me that it was SOOOO different and felt SOOO much better without condoms... and I really didn't feel like there was much difference. Actually, it was less comfortable bare.
Because no one told me how fucking messy it is to have someone ejaculate inside of you. The semen gets EVERYWHERE. I think I had imagined that maybe my body would absorb it, but seriously we had to have a towel ready at the end, because when he pulled out it was going to come rushing out too.... and drip down my legs, etc. I just didn't ever imagine that into the picture before it happened, so that had me pining for the relative convenience of the condom.
And for some reason, it burned when he'd come inside of me. I would be actually uncomfortable for like ten minutes when we were done because of this.
I don't know, the whole experience of being on birth control was just sort of negative... but I'm not really a quitter. I'd try it again, with a few changes... like actually having my period so that my hormones could re-balance at the end of the month. But I don't know what to do about the messiness (or burning... I heard once you could be allergic to semen. maybe that's it?). How does everyone deal with it???? I've NEVER heard anyone give advice on this. Help please.
me: "Boo, you think I should go back on birth control?"
my man: "Uhh, I don't know. It's up to you."
me: "I mean, I was really crazy on that stuff. Like, psychotic. Maybe if I don't skip my period it will be better?"
my man: "Maybe. You weren't that crazy."
me: "Really? Because I thought... and my friend even said I wasn't normal... I wasn't that crazy?"
my man: "Uhh, no you were pretty crazy, I was just saying that to make you feel better."
LOL that was our conversation tonight.
So let me just do a little background, and a rant.
I can't be on normal, daily pill birth control, because I'm not supposed to be sexually active and how stupid would it be for me to have such damnable evidence chilling in my purse? My mom once told me she's not the kind of mother who'd find my diary and NOT read it to 'protect my privacy'. She'd read that shit for sure.
Hiding the daily pill is not an option either. I got deathly sick a month ago and my mother took it upon herself to overturn my room from top to bottom (as in moving shit around, etc), and even rifled through my 'special' drawer right in front of me. She found the batteries I keep for my vibrator and held them up, asking what they were. I said they were for my watch (my vibrator was miraculously in my purse for some reason... don't ask). But the point is, nothing is sacred and there is no way I can keep anything like that on my persons. Oh, and I need to move out.
But i digress.
Anyway, I chose to purchase the Nuvaring birth control, a flexible plastic ring that is inserted in the dark recesses of my body and is left there for the month, slowly emitting hormones... perfect for me because it was an unwrap, insert, forget type thing.
All was fine until a couple weeks into it, when I started to cry for no reason, hysterically. Like clockwork, every night I'd call my best friend and just cry, and through my tears I'd just wail, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M CRYING!!" and I wouldn't be able to stop. The day I took it out finally was when I had gone out to dinner with my boyfriend, sat there tight-lipped and angry FOR NO REASON the entire dinner, and when dessert came I started bawling. In public. For. No. Reason. My boyfriend handled it really well, and after he managed to get me to stop (it took a long time, because I seriously could not control my tears), he looked me in the eye and said "Take it out. Now." I went to the bathroom, pulled that thing out and that was the end of it.
I had morphed into a crazy woman that I didn't like and didn't understand.
I was on the birth control for nearly two months, non-stop (I just took one out at the end of the month and stuck in the other, effectively eliminating my period... who wouldn't want that?) so I did have a chance to play around condom-free and get a feel for it. You know, when I wasn't crying or screaming in anger.
And my opinion about sex sans-condom is... ehh. It was ok. I still used lube (he's big..), it still felt essentially the same to me... I don't know why. It was a let down because to this point everyone was telling me that it was SOOOO different and felt SOOO much better without condoms... and I really didn't feel like there was much difference. Actually, it was less comfortable bare.
Because no one told me how fucking messy it is to have someone ejaculate inside of you. The semen gets EVERYWHERE. I think I had imagined that maybe my body would absorb it, but seriously we had to have a towel ready at the end, because when he pulled out it was going to come rushing out too.... and drip down my legs, etc. I just didn't ever imagine that into the picture before it happened, so that had me pining for the relative convenience of the condom.
And for some reason, it burned when he'd come inside of me. I would be actually uncomfortable for like ten minutes when we were done because of this.
I don't know, the whole experience of being on birth control was just sort of negative... but I'm not really a quitter. I'd try it again, with a few changes... like actually having my period so that my hormones could re-balance at the end of the month. But I don't know what to do about the messiness (or burning... I heard once you could be allergic to semen. maybe that's it?). How does everyone deal with it???? I've NEVER heard anyone give advice on this. Help please.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sheepish Return
So... it's almost awkward for me to make my tenuous return to the blog.
I feel guilty for two reasons... one, that I still read all the blogs I used to read and love and comment on, without the commenting, and two, that soooooo darn much has happened since November that I hardly know where to start.
I'd like to give a few, perhaps unnecessary excuses for my absence, and then a quick rundown of key points in my life that have been experienced since the last posting.
This is my last quarter at University, and in less than a week I am a free woman. The complete and total lack of motivation I have in my academic life, and work life, that has hung over my life like a dark cloud the past few months has apparently translated itself into the blog life as well. I think the only 'life' I've had any motivation to improve and to enjoy is my love life. There, I said it.
Also, I'm starting to have a few qualms about keeping a secret blog that my boyfriend does not know about, considering many many posts are about him and our relationship. Stuff of a sensitive nature. I think I began to panic when I maybe accidentally turned him on to SOat24's blog, where I had commented pretty frequently. I have a couple of identity-revealing pictures on my profile, and I felt like I was taking too much of a risk.
I've also been toying with the idea of shutting this blog down and having a more family-friendly blog that I could share with people I knew.. but that would mean there would be no more mentions of sex or really much about my relationship, or drunken nights of revelry with my friends. How much would I be willing to give up for a blog I could truly own?
Anyhow, there are a few dull excuses for nearly 5 months of dead air, so to speak.
A short rundown of things that have happened to me since (that may warrant future blog entries):
I feel guilty for two reasons... one, that I still read all the blogs I used to read and love and comment on, without the commenting, and two, that soooooo darn much has happened since November that I hardly know where to start.
I'd like to give a few, perhaps unnecessary excuses for my absence, and then a quick rundown of key points in my life that have been experienced since the last posting.
This is my last quarter at University, and in less than a week I am a free woman. The complete and total lack of motivation I have in my academic life, and work life, that has hung over my life like a dark cloud the past few months has apparently translated itself into the blog life as well. I think the only 'life' I've had any motivation to improve and to enjoy is my love life. There, I said it.
Also, I'm starting to have a few qualms about keeping a secret blog that my boyfriend does not know about, considering many many posts are about him and our relationship. Stuff of a sensitive nature. I think I began to panic when I maybe accidentally turned him on to SOat24's blog, where I had commented pretty frequently. I have a couple of identity-revealing pictures on my profile, and I felt like I was taking too much of a risk.
I've also been toying with the idea of shutting this blog down and having a more family-friendly blog that I could share with people I knew.. but that would mean there would be no more mentions of sex or really much about my relationship, or drunken nights of revelry with my friends. How much would I be willing to give up for a blog I could truly own?
Anyhow, there are a few dull excuses for nearly 5 months of dead air, so to speak.
A short rundown of things that have happened to me since (that may warrant future blog entries):
- went on birth control
- became a psycho crazy woman on birth control
- went off birth control, and am now again a happy user of condoms
- had a brief condom scare that then involved a trip to the pharmacy and had me trembling the rest of the month
- no I'm not pregnant
- had many earth-moving, soul-shattering revelations about my own character flaws
- pulled my best friend through an excruciatingly difficult time in her life (still excruciating)
- watched porn (and really liked it)
- had graphic dreams involving myself and another random female
I guess those are some of the more interesting things, but I'm sure I've missed some.
Also, I found out I've been linked to from several blogs I've never seen before... and that they linked me AFTER I was dormant. Odd.
Will DEFINITELY be making my presence known once again on the lovely blogs that take up residence in my Google Reader... so happy to be able to actively participate (at least in blog form)!!
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